Free Fall

They called it the "Pamper Pole." And I was secretly afraid that this high element ropes course challenge would truly be so terrifying that we would all uncontrollably wet our pants. I even thought that wearing a Depends would be part of the required gear.

The point of the challenge is to expose your fears and give you a safe, risk-reduced environment to confront those fears. If you are willing, it usually works. You leave the experience with a confidence that can only come from exposing, confronting, and overcoming those fears.

You wear a cabled harness (no Depends) and climb unassisted 30 feet up a telephone pole. The climbing part was relatively easy--I loved climbing trees in my tomboy years. However, positioning yourself to stand on the top of the pole with nothing to hang on to was not. I began to fear that I would fall--that I would fail before even reaching the top!

Your goal is to stand on top of the pole, proclaim your fear or your deepest desire to the rest of the group, and then leap toward a trapeze-type bar suspended in front of you from which you would let go and be lowered to the ground.

Technically, you cannot fall because you are attached by harness to a steel cable more than adequate to support your weight. But try telling your heart! The cable is attached to the back of your harness--you cannot see it. And you know that it is the thread of life...or death.

The top of the pole is incredibly small in diameter. Just enough room for feet. When I finally was able to stand up straight on top of it, I felt exhileration and relief!

Until I saw how far away the trapeze bar was.

My goal was unachievable. That is a devastating thought for me! Work this hard and overcome significant challenge only to learn that my goal is beyond my reach, beyond my capability.

Yes, the instructor confirmed, most women do not actually reach the bar when they jump.

I did not like that answer very much.

Some men don't either, he adds.

Okay, as long as the task isn't sexist.

I do not consider myself a huge risk-taker; however, I am not one to just sit on the sidelines and watch the rest of the world go by. I would jump even if I did not reach the bar.

I proclaimed my fears and desires (which shall remain in that moment) and...finally...leaped off the pole. It was like jumping off a short cliff or out of a low flying airplane. For a brief moment I was free-falling. Then boink! My feet caught the pole as the cable slowed my descent into an arc. My emphathetic comrades cried, cheered, and applauded. My husband, who had climbed the pole just before me, embraced me.

I will never forget that experience of almost seven years ago. And I was reminded of it this week as I confronted my fear of possibly never realizing my dreams or my potential. I was drawn by the Spirit of God to free fall into the love of God and into the unknown void of my future.

And today, as I journeyed spiritually with Brennan Manning's Ragamuffin Gospel, I was led to this verse in Psalm 139: "You (God) chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am" (vs. 3, NLV).

It is the start of studying 19 of the mercies of God--part of a 2005 postscript addition to Brennan's original 1990 text. And it was just what I needed to hear today.